I have an embarrassing confession to make. I suffer a strange allergic reaction that makes me break out in a rash, foam at the mouth and gnash my teeth whenever I see a picture of Lindsay Lohan.
Which is rather inconvenient because as an entertainment writer for YOU I have to look at dozens of them every week.
It’s just that I find EVERYTHING about her extremely annoying – from her smug expression when she poses for photographs, to the lame excuses she trots out when she gets into trouble, to the way she likes to be called LiLo because she thinks it makes her sound naughty and cute. It’s also irritating that she hogs more than her share of the news headlines even though with her acting career down the tubes she’s no longer famous for anything really other than her disastrous personal life.
But I think the thing I find most annoying is that I know so much about her. From all the hours spent studying photos of her I’ve seen that tattooed on her left wrist are the words “Everyone's a star and deserves the right to twinkle” (Urgh). I also know what brand of cigarettes she smokes (Parliament).
There’s such a thing as too much information. I can also tell you that she has over 645 000 loyal Twitter followers. I’m not one of them. I refuse, preferring instead to visit her page anonymously so I can laugh at her terrible spelling and embarrassing drunken midnight ramblings.
This isn’t healthy. Desperate for a few glorious LiLo-free months I found myself hoping she’d be thrown in jail when it emerged recently she’d violated her probation conditions relating to her drunk-driving arrests a few years back. But sadly that didn’t happen – the judge let her off with a slap on the wrist and a SCRAM monitoring device attached to her ankle to make sure she obeyed a court order to steer clear of booze and drugs.
What is it about Lindsay? She always manages to weasel her way out of trouble even though she’s constantly thumbing her nose at the law. It’s either because she’s stupid or just so drunk and high most of the time but she never learns from her past mistakes. And that’s not only annoying – it’s dangerous too. With three stints in rehab and two drunk driving arrests under her belt she’s still treating her probation like it’s some kind of joke, skipping her court-mandated alcohol education classes and partying till dawn. She recently had some explaining to do after her SCRAM device, which monitors her sweat to detect whether she’s been drinking, was set off after she allegedly tried to booze it up on the sly at the MTV Movie Awards after party.
But she’s got to be running out of chances. If she carries on like this surely
it’s just a matter of time before she gets led away in handcuffs and thrown in jail. Now there’s a picture I wouldn’t mind seeing . . .