It’s not true that your husband is secretly lusting after a pretty young thing. Or that he just wants sex for physical pleasure and to hell with the rest.
But it appears women want less sex as they age, while the opposite applies to men. And this mismatch can destroy the relationship between a man and a woman who once had a healthy sex-life.
These are among the findings of Bettina Arndt, Australia’s most prominent sex therapist, who researched 100 couples’ sex-lives and documented her results in a controversial book called The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles.
Men don’t want women to just allow them to have sex with them; it’s about yearning to be desired by the woman they love, Arndt says.
“To be constantly rejected undermines your confidence in a relationship. But it’s not necessarily sex they crave; it’s that connection with their partner.”
But sex or no sex, many men are willing to stay because they love their wives.
Bettina offers a controversial solution to the problem which hasn’t had a unanimously enthusiastic reception: “I think women should just do it more.”
“If women work towards experiencing regular, pleasurable sex it can result in a win-win for a couple,” Arndt says.
“I really don’t think it’s a ridiculous suggestion. Women go to many other great lengths to please their partner; why is sex so different? And once the canoe is in the water they paddle happily.
“I’m not suggesting women suffer through unwanted sex - simply that in a loving relationship it’s important not to leave your partner feeling constantly unwanted and undesirable.”
Men also have a major role to play in making their sex-life work. “Women often tell me about wanting to cuddle and it turning into a grope. I asked men about this and one said, ‘It’s me saying to her I’m still in love with you’.
“There are also couples where the man simply isn’t interested - perhaps due to erectile dysfunction. Here too there’s an obligation to just do it.
“That’s a mighty loss for a man but a considerate man will still strive to maintain physical intimacy.”
- The Sex Diaries is available at Exclusive Books for R217.